No Drama Discipline:
The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing
Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.
and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
A SUMMARIZED GUIDE ON
HOW TO BEST CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD
By Dr. Hillary Martin (for all parents out there who don’t
have time to read a book!)
· A bullet point type presentation meant to be thought
provoking and provide easy
references/page numbers to the full book.
I found this book helpful not only for guidelines with how
to best raise my son but as a path to better communication, understanding and
compassion for all of the relationships in my life most importantly with my
partner and in our life-work of raising a family together.
The DOWNSIDE is that this is a process, a long process. A choice of how you deal with stressful
situations when you and your child are at a breaking point. Remember, when you
ask your child, “What were you thinking?” …… Well they weren’t.
The UPSIDE is that you can
change the brain, guide and alter your approach to teaching and learning and
behaving to have a fully developed, conscientious, logic based, emotionally
balanced young adult.
The GOAL to communicate to your children, “I’m with you. I’ve got your back. Even when you are at your worst.” Therefore
creating the freedom for them to become independent individuals whose brains
are wired to be better able to think through decisions, comprehend what they
actually feel about a situation, consider others perspectives, and come to
sound conclusion on their own.
When a child is having a breakdown, with or without any
logical reason to us, and we respond with having an equally illogical reaction,
all we are teaching them is that when you are maxed out it is appropriate to
have no control over your body or thoughts and just shut down, tune out, use
force, aggressive tones or behavior or fear to resolve or STOP the behavior. In
the long run, the because I said so response doesn’t really work….. So what
does?
Remember
discipline
is about teaching. If we forget that simple truth we will go off course. If
discipline becomes about punishment, for example, we can miss the opportunity
to teach. By focusing on the consequence of misbehavior, we limit the
opportunity for children to experience the physiological and emotional workings
of their inner compass.
[1]
We should expect our children, assume, that kids will
sometimes experience and display emotional reactivity, as well as “oppositional
behavior.” Developmentally, they’re not working from fully formed brains yet,
so they are literally incapable of meeting our expectations all the time.
[2]
When you discipline you have to consider the child’s development. It is easy to
forget that your two year old is only a baby. They are so strong willed and
smart and resiliently resistant but only 10 months ago they could barley walk,
talk and eat more than mush and breast milk. Two years old, late teen(or 42
year old for that matter) their
brain is still developing and is not fully
functioning to be able to
handle all that life throws at them. For the 42 year olds, maybe we never
learned how to handle these things at that age, so now it is time to pay
attention.
·
Expect a breakdown but don’t expect them to be
able to handle it. This is your opportunity to teach them how to do just that.
Can’t vs. Won’t.
Sometimes we feel our children WON’T behave the way we want them to but the
simple reality is they CAN’T, at least not at that moment or at that stage. Who
doesn’t get cranky or tired or snappy after errands all day, up too late, not
enough good food….
·
The truth is for all of us(adults as well) our
capacity fluctuates given our state of mind and state of body, and these states
are influenced by so many factors-especially in the case of a developing brain
in a developing child.
[3] A
goal here is to able to handle our children’s meltdowns when they are at their
worst but quite often this corresponds to when we are at
OUR worst. This is one of the most challenging tipping points to
step back, take a deep breath and find the energy to teach our children’s
developing brains how to respond when things are awful and you are about to
blow your top.
Frustration…”sometimes
he’s great about handling even big disappointments then other times he totally
loses his mind to just get in the car”….he’s just spoiled and needs stricter
discipline.
·
You can’t spoil your children with connection
and positive attention.
Spoiling is not about
how much love and time and attention you give your kids. You can’t spoil your
child by giving them too much of yourself.
IE you can’t spoil a baby by holding them too much…in fact
the opposite is true the lack of connection negatively impacts brain
development and sensory function.
Nurturing your relationship with your child and giving her
the consistent experiences that form the basis of her accurate belief that she
is entitled to your love and affection is exactly what you should be doing. We
want our children to know they can count on us to get their needs met.
Spoiling on the other hand is when parents create the
child’s world in a way that the child feels entitled about getting her way,
getting what she wants when she wants it and that everything should be done for
her. Spoiling is indulging children in
too much stuff and sheltering them from struggles and sadness. Connecting when
a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs not
giving into what she wants.
There are plenty of ways to spoil a child- by giving them
too many things, by rescuing them from every day challenges, by never allowing
them to deal with defeat and disappointment-but we can never spoil them by
giving them too much of our love and attention.
Children generally do not respond well long term nor do they
ever learn anything from fear tactics in discipline. Children and all people
want to connect and feel understood and want to do the right thing. It takes a
lot more work especially when you are at the end of your rope but it is our
time to teach our children how to handle difficult situations.
Time outs: You want
to set boundaries and limits especially with non-negotiables, sharp knives, running
in a parking lot, wearing your seat belt but “ Do you want your child’s
repeated experiences when she makes a mistake to be time by herself, which is
often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection? Wouldn’t it be
better to have her experience what it means to do things the right way? Instead
of time outs, often used in anger or frustration, ask her to practice handling
the situation differently. If being disrespectful, have her try it again and
communicate what she is saying respectfully.
If being mean to her brother, have her come up with three nice things to
do for him before bedtime…that way the repeated experience of positive behavior
gets wired into the brain (a problem solving method).
[4] A Do Over!
·
I was a fan of my modified time outs before I
read this book. It seemed like a good, guided way to change the course of
behavior. In retrospect nothing really changed except that I got a quiet 5-minute
break from my child not doing what I wanted him to do. At times, a much needed 5-minute break, that
if it prevents me from totally snapping I still think is a good choice but my
goal here is to tune in instead of time
out and create a do over situation. So far it seems to work!
Too often time outs aren’t directly and logically linked to
a specific behavior, which is key to effective learning. Being left in your
room alone to calm down at 3 years old, doesn’t teach anything and usually backfires
anyway. These kiddos don’t even know what they are supposed to be reflecting
“on.” These are punitive and retaliatory reactions. A connected parental
response clearly linked to a behavior, ie jumping on your bike with no helmet,
response, mandatory helmet checks for 2 weeks ….more work for you YES, lesson
learned, YES.
When a child is overreacting or out of control and given a
time out to reflect or calm down, what they are really crying our for is
connection, they are overtaxed emotionally or physically and cant figure it
out,
they need you most now when they
are out of control not to be left alone. A big feeling comes up that may
lead to aggression, disrespect or lack of cooperation and is for whatever
reason incapable, in that moment, of self control or good decision making. This
is when they need our calm, connected presence most, comfort, not a time-out which
is interpreted as abandonment.
The
message being when you aren’t doing the right thing, I don’t want to be near
you…
L
ie I will only be in a relationship with you if you are good, or happy,
otherwise I will withhold my love and affection.
[5]
·
Now this last message just broke my heart. I
really identified with it probably based on my childhood experiences as well as
the type of parent I think I want to be, connecting and present. All I was
doing was rejecting and abandoning my child when I couldn’t handle things. Instead of a time out, TUNE IN. Sit with them, reflect, calm
down, create a safe zone for internal self-regulation, a fundamental skill we
all need, promote executive function. This tuning in approach is also something
I identify with as what I need in a lot of aspects of my life. A good reminder
to step back and step up to the plate, pay attention.
The Brain is
Changing.[6]
Anyone who has a newborn can see the leaps and bounds their little one makes
as the brain develops and changes in a matter of days, weeks to months. This is
the only time in our lives where in a significantly short 10-12 months we go
from a cute little blob to crawling, walking and talking. Our primal brain
responsible for survival: breathing, breast-feeding, reflexes, sleeping and
digestion is ready to go and react right after the first breath. Our survival
brain is what prompts us to protect or conquer, throw books or throw tantrum,
react. On the other hand our upstairs brain responsible for more complex
thought patterns, logic and sophisticated relational skills, balance,
adaptability and regulation of emotions is undeveloped at birth and
begins to grow in infancy and childhood
and doesn’t fully develop until the mid 20’s(anyone have a teenager at home?
See my point
J)
DEVELOPED BRAIN AT
BIRTH
UNDEVELOPED BRAIN
- Sound decision making and
planning
- Regulation of emotions and
body
- Personal insight
- Flexibility and
adaptability
- Empathy
- Morality
These are the qualities we want to instill in our children
and they all require a developed brain. It takes time to develop, a long time ….as well as repetition,
example, repetition, example and more repetition. This is why meditation works…..
You can literally change your brain through repetition and practice.
Repeated experiences actually change the physical
architecture of the brain. It becomes paramount that we be intentional about
the experiences we give our children. Everything they see, hear, feel, touch or
smell impacts their brain and influences the way they interact with the world.
Apply this to the following questions to think about:
·
How do you interact with your kids?
·
What are you teaching them?
·
How do you communicate?
·
How do you help them reflect on their behavior?
·
What do you teach them about relationships,
trust, respect, conflict resolution?
·
What do you expose them to?
Name It To Tame It: When
we help our children identify and name emotions or feelings, the fear based
reactive primal brain will actually
stop
firing and then engage the upstairs brain causing fear and anger to decrease.
That’s how the upstairs brain can calm the downstairs brain. This is a lifetime
skill to be able to calm down and think.
[7]
No drama discipline
allows us to communicate to our children, “Im with you. Ive got your back. Even
when you are at your worst and I don’t like how you are acting, I love you, and
Im here for you. I understand your having a hard time and I am here.[8]”
When this is perceived as a predictable response children
feel safe creating the freedom to become independent individuals whose brains
are wired to be better able to think through decisions, comprehend what they
actually feel about a situation, consider others perspectives, and come to
sound conclusion on their own.
The way we interact
with our kids when they are upset significantly affects how their brain
develops, and therefore the kind of people they are, both today and in years to
come.[9]
Our role is to help
build the brain.
Every time we offer an experience that engages the upstairs
brain, like any muscle, it gets stronger and more developed.
We don’t want our children to do what we say when we say it.
We want our children to learn to make positive, productive choices on their own
in whatever situation they face. When they misbehave it is an OPPORTUNITY to give them practice
building important skills and having the experiences become strongly wired into
their brain.
Setting Limits :
The goal is to help our children control themselves by
making big brain decisions, not for us to control them. To self regulate.
[10]
·
Saying no and having boundaries is extremely
important so children can understand rules and limits in the environment.
·
Never saying no creates an environment where children
can feel out of control, they don’t have a perspective radar wired in yet.
·
Saying no to everything automatically is less effective
than saying yes and then providing a condition. Example at bedtime: “Yes you
can read one more book but you can do it in the morning.” The point being to
help kids realize the importance of when to put the brakes on things themselves
if necessary.
·
Another thing to analyze when saying no, if
saying no in anger or with assault, is that often children will feel that they
have done something wrong and have feelings of humiliation and “toxic”
shame….that their inner self is defective.
[11]
Connection Is The Key:
5 year old Mathias, who was feeling left out of his 8 year
old older brothers play date, ruined the Lego project they had been working on
for hours. BIG mess, BIG anger, BIG tears and BIG chaos. An enormous upheaval
resulted in the house and a BIG discipline moment arrived. The father’s initial
inclination was to scold his young son, offer immediate consequences, shout,
“Why did you do this?”, “Do you see why they didn’t want you to play with
them?” Luckily, instead, the father used his thinking, upstairs brain and he
addressed the situation from a Whole-Brain perspective.
His little boy needed him right now. Of course he
would have to address his behavior, to think about how his brother felt, to
understand how our actions impact others in significant ways. All of this
teaching, all of this redirection, was absolutely necessary. But not right now.
Right now he needed to connect.[12]
Mathias was completely dysregulated emotionally, and he
needed his dad to soothe the hurt feelings, sadness, and anger that came from
being criticized for being too little to understand and from being excluded.
This was not the time to redirect, to teach, or to talk about family rules and
respect for others property. It was time to connect. The father knelt down and
opened his arms as Mathias fell into them and sobbed. Moments later looked up
at him with shiny eyes and said,” I spilt the Legos.”
Connection and care
established, now the father could proceed to the redirecting part and
discipline, help his son learn lessons on empathy and appropriate ways to
handle big feelings. The father’s connection and comfort allowed his son to
move out of a reactive state and into a receptive one, where he could hear his
dad and really learn.
When a child feels
“felt”, the inner sense of being seen and understood, this will transform chaos
into calm, isolation onto connection. No drama and an opportunity was
created for Mathias to actually listen and learn. The father modeled for his son attuned
connection and showed him there are calmer, more loving ways to interact when
you are upset with some one. (PS. This works great with adults too.)
Discipline: When?
How?
Our children aren’t puppies that you need to discipline
immediately after an accident or bad behavior.
You don’t need to rub their nose in it when they are cowering in shame
worried that they wont remember the event tomorrow. If they can’t “hear” you
because they are over-flooded with big emotions it is time to HALT and connect
and then revisit the lesson to be learned at a later time when they are
actually receptive.
- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
Watch for these signs so you can parent proactively and head
them off at the pass.
Sometimes misbehavior just happens, as we all know, and this
is when we need to connect.
Why Is Connection So
Powerful?[13]
- Connection moves children
from reactive to receptive. It’s when our kids are most upset that they need us the
most. They don’t want to feel
frustrated, enraged, or out of control. They are saying I’m having a hard time
dealing with what is going on around me. I am stressed. I have some really big
feeling I cant manage. I need help. Connection soothes the inner storm to
assist them in making better decisions.
A hug or hand on the back releases feel good hormones like oxytocin to
decrease our levels of stress hormone cortisol. Brain and body connect.
- Connection Builds the
Brain. A child’s brain, a highly absorbable sponge, will be greatly
impacted by what we communicate to him when we respond to misbehavior. And it
will be changed by what we model with our own actions in the moment.
Consciously or subconsciously, a child’s brain will assimilate all kinds of
information based on the parental response to any situation. Connection
strengthens the fibers from the upstairs brain to the downstairs brain so that
the higher parts of the brain can more effectively communicate and override the
lower, more primitive impulses. If we model this connection and interpersonal
integration as our child’s prefrontal cortex develops(over time) they will learn
executive function, self regulation, emotional balance, attention focus,
impulse control, and empathetic connection.
- Connection deepens the
relationship you have with your child. Connection may be the last thing you want to do at time of
conflict but it should be our first response in virtually any disciplinary
situation. Not only because it helps us deals with the problem short term,
helps us make our children better people long term but because it helps us communicate how much we value
the relationship.
When we validate our children’s feelings we resist the
temptation to minimalize or deny what they are going through. It may seem they are
completely overreacting when you cut the toast in half instead of leaving it
whole, or have a fit about not going to a playdate….but it is still important
to validate their feelings and get to the root of the issues.
How does it feel when you are upset? If your partner says, ”Oh, just calm down,
its no big deal, you’re just tired, you’re overreacting….” What is your
response to that? For me, that doesn’t go so well but I wont elaborate now in
my likely response. J
Identifying your
child’s emotion is an extremely powerful response when they are upset.
- First it helps her feel understood and calms her
nervous system to soothe her big feelings, prepping for logical thinking.
- Second, it gives the child an emotional
vocabulary and emotional intelligence so she herself can recognize and name
what she is feeling, to regain control of herself, to understand her emotions,
to move from reactive to receptive and in the long term she can better
communicate these feelings.
When some one hears you say, I get you, I understand. I see
why you feel this way. This type of
empathy disarms us. It relaxes our rigidity. It soothes our chaos. Even if
an emotion seems ridiculous to you, it is very real to your child, so don’t
dismiss it that it is not important to her.
Stop talking and
listen. You can connect and validate what your child feels but then stop
talking and let them feel what they are feeling. Just sit with them and let
them express themselves. You don’t have to defend them, protect them, argue it
isn’t true, just listen.
“Listening is not merely not talking,
though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told
us.” Alice Deur Miller
In Conclusion:
I am
sure most of you have a firm grasp on a lot of these concepts but I found it
really helpful to have some reminders and scientific, logical support for me to
fall back on when I am not in a logical place. My child is the most prized gift
I have received in this world and if there is anything I can do to make his time
on this earth better and make my relationship with him and others better then I
am open minded to concepts that may be different from what I have learned or
how I have been raised. Responses, feedback and comments welcome!
DrMartin@Nawellness.com
Resources,
Tools and Tips:
Dr. Martin is doing her best to be an active, engaged
mother, doctor and partner, living in Boulder, Colorado and practicing there as
well as in Los Angeles. Her main focus is on women’s health and pediatrics.
She specializes in thyroid disorders, hormone imbalances, adrenal
fatigue, PMS, anxiety/depression, ADD/ADHD, and immune support. Her goal
is to skillfully guide the patient through the healthcare process while also
recreating balance and wholeness in the body.
[1]
Siegel, Daniel J., M.D., Bryson, Tina Payne,Ph.D.,
No Drama Discipline:
The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and
Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind , p.141.
