Children & Discipline: How To Best Connect With Your Child!

No Drama Discipline:

The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

A SUMMARIZED GUIDE ON HOW TO BEST CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD

By Dr. Hillary Martin (for all parents out there who don’t have time to read a book!)

·       A bullet point type presentation meant to be thought provoking and provide easy references/page numbers to the full book.

I found this book helpful not only for guidelines with how to best raise my son but as a path to better communication, understanding and compassion for all of the relationships in my life most importantly with my partner and in our life-work of raising a family together.

The DOWNSIDE is that this is a process, a long process.  A choice of how you deal with stressful situations when you and your child are at a breaking point. Remember, when you ask your child, “What were you thinking?” …… Well they weren’t.

The UPSIDE is that you can change the brain, guide and alter your approach to teaching and learning and behaving to have a fully developed, conscientious, logic based, emotionally balanced young adult.

The GOAL to communicate to your children, “I’m with you. I’ve got your back. Even when you are at your worst.” Therefore creating the freedom for them to become independent individuals whose brains are wired to be better able to think through decisions, comprehend what they actually feel about a situation, consider others perspectives, and come to sound conclusion on their own.

When a child is having a breakdown, with or without any logical reason to us, and we respond with having an equally illogical reaction, all we are teaching them is that when you are maxed out it is appropriate to have no control over your body or thoughts and just shut down, tune out, use force, aggressive tones or behavior or fear to resolve or STOP the behavior. In the long run, the because I said so response doesn’t really work….. So what does?

Remember discipline is about teaching. If we forget that simple truth we will go off course. If discipline becomes about punishment, for example, we can miss the opportunity to teach. By focusing on the consequence of misbehavior, we limit the opportunity for children to experience the physiological and emotional workings of their inner compass.[1]

We should expect our children, assume, that kids will sometimes experience and display emotional reactivity, as well as “oppositional behavior.” Developmentally, they’re not working from fully formed brains yet, so they are literally incapable of meeting our expectations all the time.[2] When you discipline you have to consider the child’s development. It is easy to forget that your two year old is only a baby. They are so strong willed and smart and resiliently resistant but only 10 months ago they could barley walk, talk and eat more than mush and breast milk. Two years old, late teen(or 42 year old for that matter) their brain is still developing and is not fully functioning to be able to handle all that life throws at them. For the 42 year olds, maybe we never learned how to handle these things at that age, so now it is time to pay attention.

·      Expect a breakdown but don’t expect them to be able to handle it. This is your opportunity to teach them how to do just that.

Can’t vs. Won’t. Sometimes we feel our children WON’T behave the way we want them to but the simple reality is they CAN’T, at least not at that moment or at that stage. Who doesn’t get cranky or tired or snappy after errands all day, up too late, not enough good food….

·      The truth is for all of us(adults as well) our capacity fluctuates given our state of mind and state of body, and these states are influenced by so many factors-especially in the case of a developing brain in a developing child.[3] A goal here is to able to handle our children’s meltdowns when they are at their worst but quite often this corresponds to when we are at OUR worst. This is one of the most challenging tipping points to step back, take a deep breath and find the energy to teach our children’s developing brains how to respond when things are awful and you are about to blow your top.

Frustration…”sometimes he’s great about handling even big disappointments then other times he totally loses his mind to just get in the car”….he’s just spoiled and needs stricter discipline.

·      You can’t spoil your children with connection and positive attention.

Spoiling is not about how much love and time and attention you give your kids. You can’t spoil your child by giving them too much of yourself.

IE you can’t spoil a baby by holding them too much…in fact the opposite is true the lack of connection negatively impacts brain development and sensory function.

Nurturing your relationship with your child and giving her the consistent experiences that form the basis of her accurate belief that she is entitled to your love and affection is exactly what you should be doing. We want our children to know they can count on us to get their needs met.

Spoiling on the other hand is when parents create the child’s world in a way that the child feels entitled about getting her way, getting what she wants when she wants it and that everything should be done for her.  Spoiling is indulging children in too much stuff and sheltering them from struggles and sadness. Connecting when a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs not giving into what she wants.

There are plenty of ways to spoil a child- by giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every day challenges, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment-but we can never spoil them by giving them too much of our love and attention.

Children generally do not respond well long term nor do they ever learn anything from fear tactics in discipline. Children and all people want to connect and feel understood and want to do the right thing. It takes a lot more work especially when you are at the end of your rope but it is our time to teach our children how to handle difficult situations.

Time outs: You want to set boundaries and limits especially with non-negotiables, sharp knives, running in a parking lot, wearing your seat belt but “ Do you want your child’s repeated experiences when she makes a mistake to be time by herself, which is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection? Wouldn’t it be better to have her experience what it means to do things the right way? Instead of time outs, often used in anger or frustration, ask her to practice handling the situation differently. If being disrespectful, have her try it again and communicate what she is saying respectfully.  If being mean to her brother, have her come up with three nice things to do for him before bedtime…that way the repeated experience of positive behavior gets wired into the brain (a problem solving method).[4] A Do Over!

·      I was a fan of my modified time outs before I read this book. It seemed like a good, guided way to change the course of behavior. In retrospect nothing really changed except that I got a quiet 5-minute break from my child not doing what I wanted him to do.  At times, a much needed 5-minute break, that if it prevents me from totally snapping I still think is a good choice but my goal here is to tune in instead of time out and create a do over situation. So far it seems to work!

Too often time outs aren’t directly and logically linked to a specific behavior, which is key to effective learning. Being left in your room alone to calm down at 3 years old, doesn’t teach anything and usually backfires anyway. These kiddos don’t even know what they are supposed to be reflecting “on.” These are punitive and retaliatory reactions. A connected parental response clearly linked to a behavior, ie jumping on your bike with no helmet, response, mandatory helmet checks for 2 weeks ….more work for you YES, lesson learned, YES.

When a child is overreacting or out of control and given a time out to reflect or calm down, what they are really crying our for is connection, they are overtaxed emotionally or physically and cant figure it out, they need you most now when they are out of control not to be left alone. A big feeling comes up that may lead to aggression, disrespect or lack of cooperation and is for whatever reason incapable, in that moment, of self control or good decision making. This is when they need our calm, connected presence most, comfort, not a time-out which is interpreted as abandonment. The message being when you aren’t doing the right thing, I don’t want to be near you…L ie I will only be in a relationship with you if you are good, or happy, otherwise I will withhold my love and affection.[5]

·      Now this last message just broke my heart. I really identified with it probably based on my childhood experiences as well as the type of parent I think I want to be, connecting and present. All I was doing was rejecting and abandoning my child when I couldn’t handle things. Instead of a time out, TUNE IN. Sit with them, reflect, calm down, create a safe zone for internal self-regulation, a fundamental skill we all need, promote executive function. This tuning in approach is also something I identify with as what I need in a lot of aspects of my life. A good reminder to step back and step up to the plate, pay attention.

The Brain is Changing.[6] Anyone who has a newborn can see the leaps and bounds their little one makes as the brain develops and changes in a matter of days, weeks to months. This is the only time in our lives where in a significantly short 10-12 months we go from a cute little blob to crawling, walking and talking. Our primal brain responsible for survival: breathing, breast-feeding, reflexes, sleeping and digestion is ready to go and react right after the first breath. Our survival brain is what prompts us to protect or conquer, throw books or throw tantrum, react. On the other hand our upstairs brain responsible for more complex thought patterns, logic and sophisticated relational skills, balance, adaptability and regulation of emotions is undeveloped at birth and begins to grow in infancy and childhood and doesn’t fully develop until the mid 20’s(anyone have a teenager at home? See my point J)

DEVELOPED BRAIN AT BIRTH

• Eat
• Sleep
• Breathe
• React

UNDEVELOPED BRAIN

• Sound decision making and planning
• Regulation of emotions and body
• Personal insight
• Flexibility and adaptability
• Empathy
• Morality

These are the qualities we want to instill in our children and they all require a developed brain. It takes time to develop, a long time ….as well as repetition, example, repetition, example and more repetition. This is why meditation works….. You can literally change your brain through repetition and practice.

Repeated experiences actually change the physical architecture of the brain. It becomes paramount that we be intentional about the experiences we give our children. Everything they see, hear, feel, touch or smell impacts their brain and influences the way they interact with the world.

Apply this to the following questions to think about:

·      How do you interact with your kids?

·      What are you teaching them?

·      How do you communicate?

·      How do you help them reflect on their behavior?

·      What do you teach them about relationships, trust, respect, conflict resolution?

·      What do you expose them to?

Name It To Tame It: When we help our children identify and name emotions or feelings, the fear based reactive primal brain will actually stop firing and then engage the upstairs brain causing fear and anger to decrease. That’s how the upstairs brain can calm the downstairs brain. This is a lifetime skill to be able to calm down and think.[7]

No drama discipline allows us to communicate to our children, “Im with you. Ive got your back. Even when you are at your worst and I don’t like how you are acting, I love you, and Im here for you. I understand your having a hard time and I am here.[8]”

When this is perceived as a predictable response children feel safe creating the freedom to become independent individuals whose brains are wired to be better able to think through decisions, comprehend what they actually feel about a situation, consider others perspectives, and come to sound conclusion on their own.

The way we interact with our kids when they are upset significantly affects how their brain develops, and therefore the kind of people they are, both today and in years to come.[9]

Our role is to help build the brain.

Every time we offer an experience that engages the upstairs brain, like any muscle, it gets stronger and more developed.

We don’t want our children to do what we say when we say it. We want our children to learn to make positive, productive choices on their own in whatever situation they face. When they misbehave it is an OPPORTUNITY to give them practice building important skills and having the experiences become strongly wired into their brain.

Setting Limits :

The goal is to help our children control themselves by making big brain decisions, not for us to control them. To self regulate.[10]

·      Saying no and having boundaries is extremely important so children can understand rules and limits in the environment.

·      Never saying no creates an environment where children can feel out of control, they don’t have a perspective radar wired in yet.

·      Saying no to everything automatically is less effective than saying yes and then providing a condition. Example at bedtime: “Yes you can read one more book but you can do it in the morning.” The point being to help kids realize the importance of when to put the brakes on things themselves if necessary.

·      Another thing to analyze when saying no, if saying no in anger or with assault, is that often children will feel that they have done something wrong and have feelings of humiliation and “toxic” shame….that their inner self is defective.[11]

Connection Is The Key:

5 year old Mathias, who was feeling left out of his 8 year old older brothers play date, ruined the Lego project they had been working on for hours. BIG mess, BIG anger, BIG tears and BIG chaos. An enormous upheaval resulted in the house and a BIG discipline moment arrived. The father’s initial inclination was to scold his young son, offer immediate consequences, shout, “Why did you do this?”, “Do you see why they didn’t want you to play with them?” Luckily, instead, the father used his thinking, upstairs brain and he addressed the situation from a Whole-Brain perspective.

His little boy needed him right now. Of course he would have to address his behavior, to think about how his brother felt, to understand how our actions impact others in significant ways. All of this teaching, all of this redirection, was absolutely necessary. But not right now. Right now he needed to connect.[12]

Mathias was completely dysregulated emotionally, and he needed his dad to soothe the hurt feelings, sadness, and anger that came from being criticized for being too little to understand and from being excluded. This was not the time to redirect, to teach, or to talk about family rules and respect for others property. It was time to connect. The father knelt down and opened his arms as Mathias fell into them and sobbed. Moments later looked up at him with shiny eyes and said,” I spilt the Legos.”

Connection and care established, now the father could proceed to the redirecting part and discipline, help his son learn lessons on empathy and appropriate ways to handle big feelings. The father’s connection and comfort allowed his son to move out of a reactive state and into a receptive one, where he could hear his dad and really learn. 

When a child feels “felt”, the inner sense of being seen and understood, this will transform chaos into calm, isolation onto connection. No drama and an opportunity was created for Mathias to actually listen and learn.  The father modeled for his son attuned connection and showed him there are calmer, more loving ways to interact when you are upset with some one. (PS. This works great with adults too.)

Discipline: When? How?

Our children aren’t puppies that you need to discipline immediately after an accident or bad behavior.  You don’t need to rub their nose in it when they are cowering in shame worried that they wont remember the event tomorrow. If they can’t “hear” you because they are over-flooded with big emotions it is time to HALT and connect and then revisit the lesson to be learned at a later time when they are actually receptive. 

• Hungry
• Angry
•  Lonely
• Tired

Watch for these signs so you can parent proactively and head them off at the pass.

Sometimes misbehavior just happens, as we all know, and this is when we need to connect.

Why Is Connection So Powerful?[13]

1. Connection moves children from reactive to receptive. It’s when our kids are most upset that they need us the most. They don’t want to feel frustrated, enraged, or out of control. They are saying I’m having a hard time dealing with what is going on around me. I am stressed. I have some really big feeling I cant manage. I need help. Connection soothes the inner storm to assist them in making better decisions.  A hug or hand on the back releases feel good hormones like oxytocin to decrease our levels of stress hormone cortisol. Brain and body connect.

2. Connection Builds the Brain. A child’s brain, a highly absorbable sponge, will be greatly impacted by what we communicate to him when we respond to misbehavior. And it will be changed by what we model with our own actions in the moment. Consciously or subconsciously, a child’s brain will assimilate all kinds of information based on the parental response to any situation. Connection strengthens the fibers from the upstairs brain to the downstairs brain so that the higher parts of the brain can more effectively communicate and override the lower, more primitive impulses. If we model this connection and interpersonal integration as our child’s prefrontal cortex develops(over time) they will learn executive function, self regulation, emotional balance, attention focus, impulse control, and empathetic connection.

3. Connection deepens the relationship you have with your child. Connection may be the last thing you want to do at time of conflict but it should be our first response in virtually any disciplinary situation. Not only because it helps us deals with the problem short term, helps us make our children better people long term but because it helps us communicate how much we value the relationship.

Validate:[14]

When we validate our children’s feelings we resist the temptation to minimalize or deny what they are going through. It may seem they are completely overreacting when you cut the toast in half instead of leaving it whole, or have a fit about not going to a playdate….but it is still important to validate their feelings and get to the root of the issues.

How does it feel when you are upset?  If your partner says, ”Oh, just calm down, its no big deal, you’re just tired, you’re overreacting….” What is your response to that? For me, that doesn’t go so well but I wont elaborate now in my likely response. J

Identifying your child’s emotion is an extremely powerful response when they are  upset.

• First it helps her feel understood and calms her nervous system to soothe her big feelings, prepping for logical thinking.
• Second, it gives the child an emotional vocabulary and emotional intelligence so she herself can recognize and name what she is feeling, to regain control of herself, to understand her emotions, to move from reactive to receptive and in the long term she can better communicate these feelings. 

When some one hears you say, I get you, I understand. I see why you feel this way. This type of empathy disarms us. It relaxes our rigidity. It soothes our chaos. Even if an emotion seems ridiculous to you, it is very real to your child, so don’t dismiss it that it is not important to her.

Stop talking and listen. You can connect and validate what your child feels but then stop talking and let them feel what they are feeling. Just sit with them and let them express themselves. You don’t have to defend them, protect them, argue it isn’t true, just listen.

            “Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it   means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us.”  Alice Deur Miller

In Conclusion:

I am sure most of you have a firm grasp on a lot of these concepts but I found it really helpful to have some reminders and scientific, logical support for me to fall back on when I am not in a logical place. My child is the most prized gift I have received in this world and if there is anything I can do to make his time on this earth better and make my relationship with him and others better then I am open minded to concepts that may be different from what I have learned or how I have been raised. Responses, feedback and comments welcome! DrMartin@Nawellness.com

Resources, Tools and Tips:

• Download the No-DramaDiscipline Refrigerator Sheet >>
• Download ANote to Our Child's Caregivers: Our Discipline Approach in a Nutshell >>
• TED Talk: How Meditation Can Reshape Your Brain
• TED Talk: It takes 10 Mindful Minutes

Dr. Martin is doing her best to be an active, engaged mother, doctor and partner, living in Boulder, Colorado and practicing there as well as in Los Angeles. Her main focus is on women’s health and pediatrics.  She specializes in thyroid disorders, hormone imbalances, adrenal fatigue, PMS, anxiety/depression, ADD/ADHD, and immune support.  Her goal is to skillfully guide the patient through the healthcare process while also recreating balance and wholeness in the body.

www.naturopathicwomenswellness.com

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[1] Siegel, Daniel J., M.D., Bryson, Tina Payne,Ph.D., No Drama Discipline:

The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind , p.141.

[2] p.17

[3] p.19

[4] p.24

[5] p.28

[6] p.34

[7] p.52

[8] p.56

[9] p.57

[10] p.60

[11] p.62

[12] p.68

[13] p.73

[14] p.75